40 and Rising

“So, what is the most important lesson learned in year 40? And don’t say ‘making up my bed in the morning is important.” He is looking at me with expectations. They aren’t high expectations but I do feel as though I owe him an answer. There were other colleagues around me who knew this question was coming.

“I don’t know.” I gifted him with an honest statement and slightly defeated look.

I didn’t know. I didn’t even have a sarcastic quip to lighten the mood or lower his expectations of me. I may tell you a joke but I won’t tell you anything vulnerable. I did however think about his question when I went home.

What did 40 teach me?

Nothing.

I learned no new lessons in year 40. I’m not saying it was a nothing burger of a year. Quite the opposite dear reader, if I can be transparent. This year, I felt the lessons my community had been trying to teach me for years. I felt a weight that I have carried for decades shift and lighten. During my 40th year, I became even closer to the vision of the woman I have wanted to be for decades. I stood up with my best friend at her wedding. I grew my hair out. I colored my hair. I began reading physical books again. I became more consistent with my medication. I bought more than one pair of shoes. I took my first cruise. I brought in the year surrounded by people who like me and love me. I got six tattoos (which is only important because I thought Multiple Sclerosis would make that impossible) and nose ring. I wore make up and got my nails done regularly for myself. I found my way back to church in a way that feels authentic to me.

I could list the pitfalls of the year for balance but I’m not gonna do that. Of course growth doesn’t come with pain and I for sure grew this year. This is really just a statement to acknowledge that it wasn’t all lattes and spinach/feta croissants.

Anyway, now your girl is 41 and I love it here. I wouldn’t pick a younger age though I do wish I could warn 30s Melissa that being a “people pleaser” is not the same as being a “good person.”

So, in replacement of a cohesive answer for my earnest colleague….here is a blog post.

Enjoy this picture of me and bestie before her wedding: